The Untouchables

In the Beginning

Where does one begin to talk about that intimate most private aspect of ones life especially when it has been buried in the deepest recesses of the mind for so many years? The first inklings that things were not all together right with me happened at the age of twelve. I found that I was physically aroused by one of the boys in my grade seven class. Of course the feelings were new and uncharted so I didn't worry much about it at the time but more and more I became aware that this was not "normal". Of course, as children, we knew all the derisive words like queer, fag, gay and homo, labels that we would indiscriminately apply to those we did not like but at this time I didn't identify myself with these words as they had no real meaning to me. By the age of 13 I had put two and two together and I began to realize that these feelings of physical attraction that I had for members of the same sex made me an eligible candidate for these derisive labels and panic set in.

I began to read anything that I could get hold of about homosexuality hoping that I could find a cure. Here I was sadly mistaken. There seemed to be no consensus on exactly what causes homosexuality. Apparently anything from being brought up in an effeminate way thus causing ones early development to predispose one to feminine desires, to the other extreme that genetic abnormality predisposed one to homosexual tendencies. Some claimed that it was just a matter of choice and if one made up ones mind to love members of the opposite sex then that was all that is necessary for a cure. Others claimed that it was a hormonal imbalance that skewed the emotions toward sexual desire for the same sex. Later I discovered that homosexual desires manifest themselves in a wide varieties of ways from promiscuous relationships to monogamous relationships and from purely homosexual desires to bisexual desires. Every situation is different.

As a young boy of 13 years of age I was devastated. Up until this point in time the world was logical and well ordered. Science had an answer for everything. Now that ordered world came crashing down around my ears. I could not trust in the adult world to find a solution and this coupled with the great shame and guilt that I felt for being "perverted", caused me to bury my feelings and caused me not to confide in anyone or to seek help. One uniform message came across loud and clear from both my peers and the adult world, being gay was a VERY VERY BAD thing. Speaking from my own experience, one thing I have to say is that those who think homosexuality is a personal choice don't know what they are talking about (I guess women feel this way when men talk about how the pain of child birth can't be all that bad). What kid in his right mind is going to choose to be the object of scorn and hatred from his friends and family? It just doesn't make sense. Being "gay" was the last thing in the world that I wanted to be.

First Love

At the age of 14 I "fell in love" with a boy that lived up the street. He was constantly on my mind and over time we became good friends. On a few occasions we shared moments of sexual intimacy. Unfortunately for me his desire for me was minimal and later during some intimate conversations we shared our feelings and he explained that he preferred feminine sexual relationships. Although it was very painful for me to know that my feelings for him were not mutual, I respected his feelings and I still feel a deep sense of friendship toward him. He later moved away to the mainland but he visited Newfoundland a couple of times and on his last visit I met his very lovely wife. I wish them the best and only wish that I had kept in touch with them.

High School

While most kids were having a great time at high school I was completely miserable. Socials such as dances were totally off limits to me because how could I express my true affections without revealing my sexual preference. I remember doing some electrical work for the film club and I was invited to come along to a dance they were having. I remember this cute girl in the club. I so wanted to be normal that I fantasied that I would go to the dance and that magically I would fall in love with this girl and we would get married and live happily ever after. But as with most fantasies this fantasy was dashed against the hard rocks of reality when I realized that there were no sexual feelings to accompany this fantasy so in the end I chickened out.

Gym was also a dreaded weekly occurrence. One thing was completely obvious to me and that was that my sexual orientation made me different in other subtle ways. For one thing, I didn't have the slightest interest in watching hockey games, football games, etc. I in fact was not at all competitive and did not feel comfortable with the macho male role that was expected of me. So in gym classes I was very nervous and uncomfortable and consequently a klutz. If teams were chosen I was always the last to be picked. It was hell.

Academically I was at least safe. I was active in the physics club, enjoying the camaraderie without having to deal with sexual issues. Science was completely objective without any human emotional content. I was one of the class nerds. But at least I felt safe with this status.

I tried to get to know some of the guys that I felt attracted to but in the end most turned out to be straight or I was too shy to get to know them better and so nothing came of it. Of course, how could you get to know a guy sexually? There were no social events designed to get a gay partner and in the back of your mind you were aways thinking that your desires are WRONG and BAD. In the end the closest that I got to sex in high school was a mental fantasy.

In my desperation I even turned to Jesus. I started to hang around with some fundamentalist Christians and prayed that my affliction would be lifted. After some time it became apparent that my sexual preference was not going to change as a result of "being saved". I studied the scriptural references that condemned homosexuality and felt that there was a great dissonance between the message of love and compassion as taught by Christ and the subsequent letters by Paul that associated homosexuality with evil and wickedness brought about by a rejection of God. I never rejected God or felt that I was particularly evil but the established church did reject me. Gradually I drifted away from my fundamentalist friends because they did not question the scriptures that formed the foundations for their beliefs. I did, and, in later years, I began to piece together the politics that laid the foundation for the Christianity that we all know today. It is amazing how easily truth can be twisted for political gain. One has to go very deep to see the truth.

Outside of school the only social activity that I really enjoyed was scouting. I loved the outdoors, camping, hiking and canoeing and this I could do without worrying about the embarrassment that I felt when interacting with girls. Only once did I fall in love with one of the scouts at camp but it never went beyond a mental fantasy.

University

University brought new freedoms and more stress. I began to socialize more in my first year and did my first experimentation with recreational drugs at the end of the 2nd semester. I managed to pass but not with what you would call stellar grades. During my second year at university the recreational drug consumption escalated to unprecedented heights. I found that I could blend in better with my new found friends if I was high. Most of my new friends were straight (sexually speaking) but at our parties, with everyone getting high as kites, no one seemed to care that I never had a girl friend. It is ironic that many a young woman was laid in my bed but none by me. I had my eye on a couple of cute guys during this period but after hanging around patiently it became apparent that they were both of the heterosexual persuasion. Rotten luck for me. But then again I had my good fall back, DRUGS! Drugs and alcohol became my friends. They took my mind off of my emotional inadequacies and created a great new world of altered states of awareness. The bummer was that the next day I would wake up as gay and unfulfilled as ever. Well to solve that problem, I could always do more drugs and then ahhhh .... now that feels much better. One teeny weenie problem, I failed miserably in my first term and was kicked out of university for 2 semesters. I made some pathetic attempts to get work during the winter semester but ended up on a three month long party instead.

Thank god I managed to snag a job during the summer as a camp instructor. At least it kept me away from the drugs. I do however, remember as plain as day, one major drinking party that the camp staff had during one weekend break. We all got drunk as skunks and of course girls started pairing up with guys and I was no exception. One pretty coworker decided that I would be a good catch for the evening and we ended up outside on the porch playfully kissing. When her hands started creeping up my thigh toward my crotch and I was getting zero response from my privates I had to make a clumsy retreat. God did I ever feel bad. I hope that I never hurt her feelings too much. I only wish that I could have said to her that it had nothing to do with her. Of course I had other women flirt with me during my university years but I managed to deal with these situations more delicately and they got the hint and left me alone.

I started back to university in the fall but quickly fell back into the drug scene. I started skipping classes again and smoking up every day in some nook or cranny of the university. Needless to say I was doomed for another semester and I knew it. I was helpless to do anything about it. My self esteem was at an all time low. Under such circumstances one really doesn't care much about oneself. Thoughts of suicide start to seem like good ideas from this frame of reference. Intellectually you know that the drugs are bad but you need them to feel good so you get stuck in the vicious circle. I know first hand how people can become addicted. It wasn't until many years later that I realized that there are many other things that people get addicted to besides drugs and alcohol.

I guess what saved my life was a lecture that I attended on a mental technique called Transcendental Meditation.

Transcendental Meditation

I was desperate and felt that anything was worth a try. I was impressed by the scientific research that had been done on this mental technique. TM claimed to be able to bring the mind effortlessly to a state of deep relaxation. This in turn caused the body to become deeply relaxed and rested allowing the body to throw off the deeply rooted stresses of daily living. The consequences of the removal of mental stress from the body are reflected in a clearer functioning of the mind resulting in greater creativity and achievement. This in turn leads to greater self esteem and better relationships with people. So I did the 4 day course and almost immediately I no longer felt the need to do recreational drugs or drink alcohol. I don't want to give you the impression that I stopped altogether or that I had made some resolution to stop taking drugs or drink alcohol. It was just simply an effortless process of not wanting to indulge in them anymore. Over time I also found that I overcame many of my social phobias. I began to socialize more especially becoming involved in community and outdoor activities. I went back to university, my grades improved greatly and I finished a degree in Computer Science. I wasn't nearly so afraid of talking to people, and started going to parties and even dancing. I got my drivers license, learned to scuba dive and wind surf and became interested in the sport orienteering. It seemed incredible that many of the things that I couldn't imagine doing before I meditated all of a sudden seemed doable. I had hoped that somehow my homosexuality was just a product of deeply rooted stress and would disappear along with all my other phobias. This has not turned out to be the case but I have grown to accept that everything has a purpose. I feel that I have a broader outlook on life. I have developed an interest in philosophy, cosmology and spirituality that I probably would not have been interested in had I simply been like everyone else.

Guys that I Love

I don't know how it is with other gays but I don't love every male that I meet. In fact I feel sexual attraction for very few people. Most of the guys I hang around with are simply friends. Sex is not an issue and need not get in the way of our friendship. I tend to focus my sexual attention on only one guy at a time. Unfortunately I tend to fall for guys that are not gay. Not that I know this at the time. Generally I don't fall for people that are obviously heterosexual. I certainly would not flirt with them. However when there is some ambiguity and I feel physical attraction for some guy then I will try to make my feelings known through gestures of affection. When it becomes blatantly obvious that I am gay the guy usually reacts in one of the following ways. I wish that all those that I loved fell into the final category. Of course I never had a close friend that I could confide in so instead I bottled up my heartache deep inside. Meditating was my only source of release and allowed me to get on with life after the many disappointments.

One thing that always puzzled me was why I am attracted to only particular guys. There could be a room with a hundred people and I may be only sexually attracted to one guy. The attraction seems to come in different flavors. There is the one night stand flavor that is all physical attraction but no other emotional, intellectual or spiritual attraction. I do not pursue such relations anymore because there is always a sense of loss and lack of fulfillment associated with the emotional entanglement. At the other end of the flavor spectrum there are those that resonate with my inner self, physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. In the presents of such a person I know where the term falling in love come from. Ones whole being is suspended in that moment of time; no breath no motion just a total sense of being out of control. Eye contact with such a person sends electric sensations throughout the body. Goose pimples caress the body. It is quite amazing. As I contemplate the desire at its finest level it appears as a void or emptiness in the inner light of my being yearning to be filled with light. My being flows to answer the yearning and I act. Interacting with the object of desire fills the dark emptiness with light in accordance with the resonance of the object of desire and the resonant quality of my action. The yearning is then replaced by a sense of fulfillment.

But why that particular person? What makes that person so special? There seems to be no rhyme or reason to this feeling. I guess there are some common attributes but there always seem to be exceptions. I am forced to question who is in charge of my life. These desires although I experience them are not produced of my own volition. It is almost as if there is some external force at work. I feel like a puppet moving to the strings of my desire. What is free will when I do not even have control over my desires. All I can possibly do is to control my actions but my actions are always motivated by desires outside of my control. On its subtlest level, my life appears to be motivated by the flow of my being from one patch of empty void to another. It feels right, so I do it, but where the yearnings come from is still a mystery. I only know that there are a lot of voids in the fabric of my being that I must fill with light before I am through.

In the end it has been the philosophy of karma, the cycle of action and reaction that binds us to this worldly existence, described in the mystical texts of the great world religions and philosophies that has offered the most satisfactory answers to my experiential and philosophical questions.

Women that I Love

Contrary to what you might be thinking at this point there have been many beautiful women that I have loved. However, I have only ever been turned on sexually by attractive men. There are many kinds of beauty and there are as many kinds of love. There is beauty of the physical body and one can have a beautiful personality. For each there is a special kind of love. What makes a sunset or a new born baby beautiful? They are such different experiences and yet we can say that we love each of them in their own way. Similarly even though I am gay I can love "beautiful people" regardless of gender. In fact sexual love is only one aspect of any loving relationship. I have many loving relationships with women but I get scared when they want sexual love from me because it is not within my ability to love them in that way. Nature has deemed that I will only be able to have a sexual relationship with that rare kind of guy for whom there is a karmic bond. I know that I have left a trail of broken hearts in my passage through time. I am helpless to stop the suffering. I guess that we are all the victims of our own karma.

I did on one particular occasion make an attempt to defy my karmic destiny by dating this girl who was beautiful, intelligent, and interested in similar things that I was interested in. Who could ask for more. We wined and dined but things got awkward back at her apartment when we were playing on the couch. As beautiful as she was and as much as I loved her there was no sexual arousal. Absolutely nothing. Eventually I realized that it was hopeless so I stopped asking her out after only two dates and later she started dating a friend of mine. Needless to say I was full of despair but at least I had come to terms with my condition. I was gay beyond a shadow of a doubt. If this had been one of my male friends that I loved then I would have exploded with passion in the same situation. C'est la vie.

L'amour est enfant de Boheme, il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi.
from the opera Carmen by Bizet

Coming Out

Coming out is a process that never ends; at least not until being queer is accepted as being simply another expression of human emotion along with the diversity of other human emotions. Each of us are unique individuals and we should be able to embrace and enjoy the diversity of other individuals. There should be no room for hate; no room for segregation. Many people have come to know about my being gay but there are many more that do not know. I have chronicaled my coming out through a periodic update of my Coming Out Diary. Coming out is different for everyone but I just felt that I would add my voice to many more that have preceded me in the hope that it will be of some value to someone.

Afterword

Were do I go from here? I don't know. I will take it as it comes and let the universe unfold in whatever way that it must. All anyone can hope to do is to do what they think is right and this feels like the right thing to be doing now.

Even though it may appear that my life has been full of misery, I cannot say that I am unhappy about the the way it has unfolded. In fact I consider that I am a very lucky guy. I have been blessed with so many great things. I have great parents and a wonderful brother, lots of friends, I love my job, I have enough money to do the things that I like to do, I am in good health, what more could I ask for. I know that everyone has some cross to bear; some more than others. I realize that I have only my small cross to bear and I feel that it has given me a greater appreciation for life. It has forced me to look deep inside and question the very underpinnings of life, not from some abstract philosophical level but from a need to justify my very existence. When I hear people bashing queers I feel an empathy for all those who have been discriminated against throughout history, whether it be a black kid in the ghetto or an Indian of the untouchable caste. I have come to realize that queers are just one of the untouchables of our society. The words of a poignant Phil Collins song Another Day in Paradise comes to my mind. I find it somewhat ironic that our society is so proud of its civil liberties and equality while discriminating against gender, same sex relations and age. My friends often wonder why I befriend or stand up for people that are social misfits. It is because I know first hand about not fitting in and I know that the only reason that I am accepted is because my difference is not visible. I tend to route for the under dog. My being gay has influenced who I am so much that I no longer look upon it as a curse but a blessing. For this reason it is becoming more clear to me that the next step in my evolution is to cast off the charade and come out of the closet.

There you go, man, keep as cool as you can.
Face piles
Of trials
With smiles
It riles them to believe
That you perceive
The web they weave
AND KEEP ON THINKING FREE!

In the Beginning, by Graeme Edge

To my friends, I want you to realize that having read my story, I have not changed. It is you that have been changed by the truth. I am still the same Michael that you have always known only now you know me better. Maybe I am naive and you knew it all along. I hope that you can accept me as I am. From my point of view, you will always be my friends even though you may choose to become more distant. I will respect your choice. I don't know what kind of emotions are sweeping through your consciousness, anger, pity, disgust, acceptance, disappointment etc. but remember that this is only a small fraction of who I am. Do not let such a small aspect overwhelm our friendship. Let this understanding, instead, further deepen our friendship based on truth. If you are having a negative reaction to my being gay, feel from where the negative emotions arise and ask yourself if they have their basis in some unfounded bias or prejudice. You may feel betrayed that I did not tell you sooner or in person but it has taken me many lonely years to come to terms with being gay and I am still reluctant to confront people with what for many might be an uncomfortable and embarrassing situation.

I do not like to push people outside of their comfort zone so you won't have to worry about me coming up to you wanting to talk about how I feel about being gay. On the other hand I will openly talk about it to anyone that asks me about it. So if you have any questions or you would like to share your story with me I am here for you. Feel free to contact me in person or by email.

For those of you that would like to get involved with the LBGT-MUN center but find it difficult to make that first step I would be glad to help you make that first step. I know that walking into that room for the first time with all those strange people can be quite intimidating. After reading this in some sense you know me better than some of my friends.

To all of you with love,
Michael