Coming Out

I have found it useful to put down in writing the feelings and thoughts that lead me to come out of the closet. I was naive about many things and made some mistakes along the way but I have chosen to keep the diary as is even though some of my earlier expectations did not materialize while other unexpected things did materialize. I find it quite interesting to look over my diary and ponder what it all means... I hope that others will do the same.

Dear Diary

Sometime in late April 2002:

Feeling rather down and vulnerable today because a close friend let me down. I saw a poster outside my office promoting activities of the LBGT-MUN Resource Center and said to myself "What can I loose?" There was a web page address at the bottom of the page and I decided to browse their site. It was a little sketchy with much work in progress but I felt moved to inquire further. I sent an email asking about scheduled events.

May 2

Went to a moving lecture tonight given by a mathematician who worked with Allan Turing cracking the German codes during WWII. After a very stimulating discussion on the actual way that the codes were cracked, the talk turned to the tragedy of Allan Turing's death. Allan was accused of homosexual activities and brought to trial. Although he was not imprisoned he was forced to take hormone treatments for a year and he lost his security clearance which lead to his removal from his military research job. This rejection coupled with the public humiliation associated with being gay at that time culminated in his untimely death through suicide. The speaker ended the talk with a statement that impacted me greatly. The essence of that statement was, "We killed Allan Turning by our narrow minded prejudice". How many other gays and lesbians have taken recourse to suicide? Am I not in my own way supporting the the continuation of this prejudice by not speaking out about my own homosexuality? Every time I silently listen as straights make jokes about homos and fags, I am in some sense condoning and perpetuating homophobia and the associated prejudice. This moving talk nudged me a little further out of the closet.

Sometime in early May:

I got a reply today from LGBT-MUN apologizing for the tardy response to my request for information about up coming events of the LBGT-MUN Resource Center. Unfortunately the main event is to be an AGM meeting at the end of May that I will not be able to attend since I will be visiting family in Alberta.

Middle of July:

Realize that I am getting nowhere with current attempts to find a meaningful relationship so I decide to visit the LBGT-MUN Resource Center in the UC building before I crash and burn. I manage to make it to the hallway leading to the center before a wave of fear hits me causing me to turn back.

Two days later:

Convince myself that I really have no reason to be terrified to visit the center and make my second attempt. I was paralyzed with fear but this time I did make it to the door but no one was there. Whew...that was close!

Next Day:

Working late tonight and noticed that the light was on in the LBGT-MUN Resource Center. I decided to make another attempt. This time I decided not to think at all and just walk straight into the office. And I did it I really did it!!!!!!!! I met a student volunteer who tried to answer my questions to the best of his abilities. He was new to the center himself and was not aware of all that was on the go. I browsed the book collection and eventually checked out a book about a gay couple that decided to adopt a child.

Walking out of the center I felt a wave of exhilaration because I realized that this was the first time in my life that I had gone up to someone that I did not know and acknowledged that I was gay.

July 27

Went to a party and got fed up with the gay bashing that was going on even though it was mild in comparison to what I have experienced in the past but something snapped inside and I decided that I must take steps to come out of the closet.

July 29

Thought about how I could come out. I could never go up to someone in the street and say I am gay and proud of it and so instead I am starting a web page chronicling my experiences with homosexuality. I feel a strange exhilaration as I connect the links to my web page knowing that I am in a sense surrendering to fate, allowing myself to be swept down through the uncharted waters of a future that I no longer can predict. But then again why should I cling tenaciously to a predictably miserable future?

August 14

Received the first response to my web page from a gay student at MUN. It was very supportive and inspired me to carry on with my coming out project.

August 31

Received the second response to my web page this time from a straight student at MUN that I knew quite well. I have always been afraid that my straight friends (until recently all my friends have been straight) would not respond well to my being gay. I can't express how happy I was to receive such a positive response. It has given me courage to continue in the face of minor set backs.

August (miscellaneous)

Made several visits to the center to pick up more reading material. I began to feel very comfortable being at the center.

September 14

I just had the most incredible day! I attended my first meeting of the LBGT-MUN Resource Center annual general meeting. I walked bravely into the room and was warmly greeted by the assembling members. Shortly after I arrived, a young woman that I had met casually on a number of occasions, walked in and we talked about what we were both up to. I felt totally at home. I realized that we were all there for the same reason, we all wanted a place to feel comfortable with our sexuality. More people arrived and the meeting began. First we introduced ourselves and then had a couple of games to break the ice. I felt less self conscious than I usually do when meeting new people probably because this was the first time that I was not pretending to be someone that I was not. I gained an insight into the activities of the center as the meeting progressed into the reports by the various directors. A break with refreshments allowed me to speak with a few new people. Without exception I felt a warmth and kinship that I have never felt before. Following the break was the election of officers (complete with a treat of pizza and pop). I enjoyed the speeches made by each of the candidates. Only one position was contested but both candidates spoke highly of each other and offered to support the other no matter what the outcome was. This touched me greatly. The sense of family and compassion came across in all the speeches. During the brainstorming session I felt moved by the efforts of the group in their outreach program. Everyone in the room must have gone through what I am going through and they want to do whatever they can to help other gays and lesbians feel a sense of community and acceptance. The meeting concluded with the announcement of a party to be held that night.

As I walked up the street to the party house I was greeted by invitations to join the party members congregating outside for a smoke. I noticed a distinct shift in the overall atmosphere from the afternoons meetings. All formality was banned and everyone was full of an exuberant party spirit. I walked in and sat down in the living room and absorbed the ambiance of the place. It could only be described as being electric with love. I have never experienced the unfettered super fluid flow of affection that I experienced in that room. The numbers of males and females was evenly split. As people entered the room they were greeted by hugs, kisses and other gestures of affection by the group as a whole. Gender was not an issue. Since I did not know anyone I was treated more conservatively at first but as the evening progressed I became included in the the warmth and affection. Soon the dancing began. I was amazed by the tender relationships between gays and lesbians as they danced and carried on. I began to realize that the affection that amalgamated this group was a reaction to a hostile society that rejected our expression of sexual identity. These social prejudices have effectively created a sense of solidarity that unites both the lesbian and gay community in an unusually strong bond of compassion. After some time one attractive guy came over and decided that it was time for me to dance. It was a very kind gesture. As the group shifted I drifted into the kitchen and was treated to an enlightening discussion about one guys experiences with coming out. He was concerned about coming out to his parents as they were devout Pentecostals and would not take the news well. I also found out that he has been going out with his partner for two and a half years. I felt so happy for them. He also expressed concern for his younger brother whom he suspected was gay and the group discussed how important it was to reach out to these young gay people and let them know that they were not alone. I was then treated to a tour of the house. The place was very well kept and clean. I realized while looking at one of the pictures of a choir that the guy showing me around was a member of the choir and that I had seen him perform on a number of occasions. He showed me pictures of various trips abroad and described some of the memorable moments. Sometime around 1:00 the party was shifting down town to one of the clubs but I had to get up early to set up an orienteering meet so I took one of the couples home and had an early night instead. I will never forget this evening.

September (miscellaneous)

Visited the LBGT-MUN center on a regular basis usually during lunch breaks. I am meeting new people and getting to know the regulars in greater depth. Conversation is varied but quite unlike what I have come to expect from my other friends. For example the topic of conversation casually drifted one day onto the topic "When I first realized I was queer". I was surprised by some of the comments. "I knew I was a lesbian when my boy friend proposed to me." "I knew I was gay when my girl friend started talking about getting married, a house and children." For me it was obvious from day one but I guess for others it is a gradual awakening. I feel that I am learning so much about myself by being with my new friends.
My greatest challenge is that I am emotionally constipated. All the years of not expressing myself on an emotional level has made it some what difficult for me to respond in the same casual way as the other members of the center do. It does not help that I am older than the students that usually drop by the center but I have always felt comfortable with all age groups so I am not worried about making friends eventually. In fact I find that I have more in common with young people in terms of the things that I enjoy doing. My close friends are all free spirits who enjoy life without boundaries regardless of age, sex, ethnic background etc. Unfortunately such people are in the minority.

October 4

The LBGT-MUN center held its second social. The directors cooked up a scoff of chili (with and without meat) and treated the membership. There was also a fridge full of beer that needed to be consumed much to the joy of the membership. I particularly loved the vegetarian chili. Our illustrious director general of the center, Gemma, also celebrated her birthday and we had cake and gave her well deserved hugs and kisses. The four Steve's presented Gemma with a pair of birthday cards and a CD of Gregorian chants. I met a young guy who surprised me by saying that he did not want to have sex until he was married, an unusual but charming aspiration in this day and age. As the night wore on the party moved down to the Zone dance bar. It was the first time that I had been there. Our group danced into the wee hours of the morning. A great time was had by all.

October 9

Had a game great of badminton with one of the members of the center. It was was a joy to hang out with someone who is not straight for a change. Not that I don't like hanging out with straight people, it's just that all my life I have been hanging out with straight people and it was different on the feeling level to hang out with someone who knows that I am gay and accepts it without judgment. I admire this person for his sensitivity and empathy. Hopefully some day we will be friends. I do miss not having someone to talk to about matters of the heart. For example I can't say to my straight friends "Isn't that guy over there cute?" or "How should I come out to my best friend who I know is homophobic?". I feel like a kid again learning a whole new way of life. It is humbling to be taught by youths that have such a wealth of experience in this area.

October 18

During this past week I managed to drop up to the center a couple of times and became more conscious of the relational dynamics of gay interactions. Gay courting rituals seem to be plagued by the same web of intrigue as straight relationships. Guy A thinks that guy B likes him so wants to date Guy B. Meanwhile guy B doesn't want anything to do with guy A. To make matters worse guy A is fueling the rumor mill.

Of course all this made me more conscious of my naivety with respect to gay relationships. I have always been an observer in the realm of straight relationships, never a participant but now when I interact with the guys at the center things become more complicated. When I ask a straight guy out there is no thought of it being a date. However if I ask a gay guy out who knows that I am gay then there is always this ambiguity, is this guy asking for a date or is this guy simply wanting to socialize as a friend.

October 25

Attended a mixer organized by the LBGT-MUN center. It was somewhat subdued compared to the CS club mixers. Most everyone was in costume and were preparing for a night on the town down at the Zone or elsewhere. Someone mentioned that the Chemistry society would be ending its mixer crawl at our mixer. I know a number of the Chemistry mixer regulars and was somewhat nervous about coming out to them but what the hell so I stayed. Sure enough just before 8:00 a big crowd of Chemistry club members converged on our mixer dressed in full costumed attire. As expected my friends were there and came over to talk to me. We had a grand old chat. I felt great. One of the guys was a cub and a scout in my Scout group and another guy was a student in one or two of my Computer Science classes. I also spoke briefly with a venturer that I knew from way back.

As I left the mixer to meet some friends I felt a sense of elation. I had come out to some more friends and it felt good to know that they apparently thought nothing of the fact that I was gay. In retrospect I realize that one of the reasons that I enjoy associating with the LBGT-MUN center is not for sexual reasons but for the strength that I get from the feeling of acceptance. I feel that I am normal and that feeling makes it possible for me to gradually come out to my straight friends.

I then went to a movie with some of my straight friends. After the movie a close friend asked me what mixer I had attended and I was paralyzed with fear. I did not lie but then again I did not answer his question. It bothered me greatly that I could not bring myself to simply tell the truth.

October 27

I felt so bad about not coming clean on the question that my friend had asked on Friday that I resolved to come out to him with an email message referring him to this web page. What a shock it will be for him.

October 28

Got an email reply from my friend. It is all good. Chatted with him at the university the next day as if nothing had happened.

Had a candid chat with one of the senior members of LBGT-MUN in the evening. It was quite enjoyable talking openly about gay issues and the like. Planned a movie outing with a bunch from the center for Wednesday. His first question was "Are you gay or bi". And so it started, I telling him what I liked to do and he describing his experiences in the gay world. We talked about different kinds of gay behavior and he explained how some gays are attracted to very specific types of guys while others are more generic in their tastes. He also explained about the different personality types and how they express their homosexuality differently. Extroverts tend to express their gay tendencies outwardly in a more stereo typical gay manner whereas introverts keep it inside and often live a more straight life style externally. I hope some day that he realizes how much I valued this chat as it cames at a time of tumultuous emotional transitions.

October 30

The straight student that sent me a letter commenting on my home page back in August, dropped by the office as he often does but today he started a fascinating discussion about this web page and how society is becoming more accepting of homosexuality. He has direct experience from some of his gay friends and tells me that there is a general acceptance amongst the people that he hangs around with. He envisions a day when his generation will take on the reigns of setting social policy and there will be no more discrimination. Discussions like this amongst queers and straights is a great way to bridge the gap. I very much want to thank him for his uplifting discussion.

Had another wonderful game of badminton with one of the guys at the center and then I went out with a crowd from the center to see the movie "The Ring", a thriller with a twist. After we all went out to Tim Horton's for treats and to shoot the breeze.

Febuary 17

Its been quite a while now since I have last put into words my experiences of coming out. So much has happened; so many experiences have been metabolized by my consciousness. I have learned a great deal about what it means to be gay and what it means to be free, what it means to be truthful and honest. Many of my friends, through this web page, through my speaking to them, through email, have come to know that I am gay. These friends have all been supportive and encouraging. I feel like a great weight has been removed. No longer having to hide my true feelings, I am much happier and closer to my friends. As time goes on and as the situations present themselves, more and more people will come to know this side of me. I just take it as it comes and let nature do the organizing.

Having stripped away the veneer of lies protecting my secret, I have perceived an even deeper, subtler web of lies that I think we all weave during our lives; a web that ensnares us and ultimately causes us to suffer. As I look back over my love life I am reminded of a moth that, attracted to the lamp, bangs relentlessly against the glass barrier becoming more battered with each attempt. Having wearied of my repeated heart breaking experiences, I have pondered the underlying reasons. I have become aware of the elaborate architecture of my prison, skillfully crafted by my own desires. Each of us caries within us a rational model of the world, a model that we use to structure the course of our actions, actions that we hope will bring about the successful fulfillment of our desires. This model, this fantasy world, is an intelectual rationalization of a non rational world. It is built upon a web of illusions or lies that we have come to believe so completely that it IS our reality. "I can't eat that I'm too fat." "My hair is too long, no one will like me." "My friend is ignoring me because he thinks I'm gay." And so on... Look closely at the motives for performing or not performing any significant action. Can you hear the little lies murmuring away in your internal dialog, saying do this, don't do that, be nice to this person, he is important, hold a grudge against another because she hurt you? On and on it goes, lie after lie, bricks in an illusory world that constrains and directs our actions through greed, desire, fear, anger and dispair, into a chain of events that eventually leads to cycles of pleasure and pain. Like peeling off layers of an onion, I have been peeling back the layers of lies that hide the totality, being honest both to myself and others. One layer of illusion is cast off only to reveal another subtler layer underneath. The process is very fulfilling. And what does it reveal? A majestic non rational transcendental world more beautiful than I am able to describe. Oh to be a poet; maybe in another life time.

Can we be truly honest with ourselves? I think we can. In fact I think we must be if we are ever to realize our full potential, to realize a life of freedom, a life unconstrained by lies, prejudices, illusions, a life filled with happiness, a life of compassion (How many of us even really know what the word means). Do I regret the love that I have felt for those rare and special individuals that have touched my heart? No, I know that in the cosmic scheme of things we had and still have a destiny to fulfill. You are all stepping stones along the way; each one leading closer to reality. Now I long to take flight and fly into the effulgent inner light deep within the self, a light that is even now perceptible on the horizon.

And everything emptying into white...
Cat Stevens

I leave you with these thoughts so beautifully stated by others who have inspired these insights in me:

The ego looks for what to criticize. This always involves comparing with the past. But love looks upon the world peacefully and accepts.
The ego searches for short-comings and weaknesses.
Love watches for any sign of strength. It sees how far each has come and not how far he has to go. How simple it is to love and exhausting it is to always find faults, for every time we see a fault we think something needs to be done about it. Love knows that nothing is ever needed but more love.
It is what we all do with our hearts that affects others most deeply. It is not the movements of our body or the words within our mind that transmit love.
We love from heart to heart.
--Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Fools illusions everywhere
Joan and Molly sweep the stairs
Eyes that shining full of inner light
Let it roll into the night

-- George Harrison

and so life goes on...

March 22

Another milestone has been achieved today. I have discovered friendship. This might seem like an odd thing to say but let me explain. To me, a friend is someone that you can openly share the secrets of your soul and know that they will lend a sympathetic ear. Clearly the reverse must also be true. While I was good at lending a sympathetic and understanding ear to many of my troubled friends over the years, I was never able to express my true feelings and loneliness to them as long as I was in the closet. The only guys that I came out to were guys that I had deep affection for and consequently they felt quite uncomfortable with my being gay. This created a nasty tangly affair that prevented the development of any close friendships.

That all changed tonight when I went out to a concert with a good friend. I was in somewhat of a dilemma as to what to do after the concert as I had been invited to a party hosted by some of my gay friends. Now my friend is straight but knows I am gay. Knowing I am gay is one thing but actually being open enough to talk about it and associate with my gay friends that is asking a whole lot more. So after the concert I asked "Do you want to go home?" and got the expected answer "No". "How would you like to go to a party?" I said to which the reply was "Sure." Once I had arrived on the scene it was too late to turn back as I was spotted by a crowd out on the porch having a smoke. I dove right in and introduced my friend to all the people I knew at the party and we had a great time. On the way home from the party my friend talked openly about how much fun it had been and how refreshingly interesting my gay and lesbian friends were. I felt uplifted, almost estatic. We casually talked about gay issues and I realized for the first time in my life what it is like to have a real friend.

I also realized that it is not necessary for us to segregate ourselves from one another based on gender, sexual preference, religion or ethnic background. One thing I have noted about the gay community is that they do not exclude straight people from their family of friends. Instead, what I find is that the straight community, being fearful of the gay community, refuses to associate with them. They are afraid of what other people might think of them if they were caught hanging around queers. Afraid that it would compromise their self image. Unfortunately many straight people are so embroiled in their own prejudices that they are unable to embrace the diversity of human relationships and let the friendship flow. Hopefully that will change as world conscious rises.

PS Curiously another soul touched my being tonight...

Sept 11

Much has happened. Just saw a great gay themed movie called Latter Days, an amazing love story with a great sound track. Here are the lyrics from one of the songs in the movie called "Another Beautiful Day":

When you were just a child of eight You were taught you were not to deviate Only one way to heaven but half a million ways to fall Well we can alienate the strange and the odd As long as we're one nation under God He might love me but you're his favourite of all And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free We can hate the Jews and the blacks and the fags As long as we pray and salute the flag And fall on our knees to a Jesus who looks just like you. And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free They blessed your soul and told you to travel Dressed in polyester for a God made of gravel Your a man on a mission I wish you could save yourself And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free by C. Jay Cox Back