I have found it useful to put down in writing the feelings and thoughts that lead me to come out of the closet. I was naive about many things and made some mistakes along the way but I have chosen to keep the diary as is even though some of my earlier expectations did not materialize while other unexpected things did materialize. I find it quite interesting to look over my diary and ponder what it all means... I hope that others will do the same.
Walking out of the center I felt a wave of exhilaration because I realized that this was the first time in my life that I had gone up to someone that I did not know and acknowledged that I was gay.
As I walked up the street to the party house I was greeted by invitations to join the party members congregating outside for a smoke. I noticed a distinct shift in the overall atmosphere from the afternoons meetings. All formality was banned and everyone was full of an exuberant party spirit. I walked in and sat down in the living room and absorbed the ambiance of the place. It could only be described as being electric with love. I have never experienced the unfettered super fluid flow of affection that I experienced in that room. The numbers of males and females was evenly split. As people entered the room they were greeted by hugs, kisses and other gestures of affection by the group as a whole. Gender was not an issue. Since I did not know anyone I was treated more conservatively at first but as the evening progressed I became included in the the warmth and affection. Soon the dancing began. I was amazed by the tender relationships between gays and lesbians as they danced and carried on. I began to realize that the affection that amalgamated this group was a reaction to a hostile society that rejected our expression of sexual identity. These social prejudices have effectively created a sense of solidarity that unites both the lesbian and gay community in an unusually strong bond of compassion. After some time one attractive guy came over and decided that it was time for me to dance. It was a very kind gesture. As the group shifted I drifted into the kitchen and was treated to an enlightening discussion about one guys experiences with coming out. He was concerned about coming out to his parents as they were devout Pentecostals and would not take the news well. I also found out that he has been going out with his partner for two and a half years. I felt so happy for them. He also expressed concern for his younger brother whom he suspected was gay and the group discussed how important it was to reach out to these young gay people and let them know that they were not alone. I was then treated to a tour of the house. The place was very well kept and clean. I realized while looking at one of the pictures of a choir that the guy showing me around was a member of the choir and that I had seen him perform on a number of occasions. He showed me pictures of various trips abroad and described some of the memorable moments. Sometime around 1:00 the party was shifting down town to one of the clubs but I had to get up early to set up an orienteering meet so I took one of the couples home and had an early night instead. I will never forget this evening.
Of course all this made me more conscious of my naivety with respect to gay relationships. I have always been an observer in the realm of straight relationships, never a participant but now when I interact with the guys at the center things become more complicated. When I ask a straight guy out there is no thought of it being a date. However if I ask a gay guy out who knows that I am gay then there is always this ambiguity, is this guy asking for a date or is this guy simply wanting to socialize as a friend.
As I left the mixer to meet some friends I felt a sense of elation. I had come out to some more friends and it felt good to know that they apparently thought nothing of the fact that I was gay. In retrospect I realize that one of the reasons that I enjoy associating with the LBGT-MUN center is not for sexual reasons but for the strength that I get from the feeling of acceptance. I feel that I am normal and that feeling makes it possible for me to gradually come out to my straight friends.
I then went to a movie with some of my straight friends. After the movie a close friend asked me what mixer I had attended and I was paralyzed with fear. I did not lie but then again I did not answer his question. It bothered me greatly that I could not bring myself to simply tell the truth.
Had a candid chat with one of the senior members of LBGT-MUN in the evening. It was quite enjoyable talking openly about gay issues and the like. Planned a movie outing with a bunch from the center for Wednesday. His first question was "Are you gay or bi". And so it started, I telling him what I liked to do and he describing his experiences in the gay world. We talked about different kinds of gay behavior and he explained how some gays are attracted to very specific types of guys while others are more generic in their tastes. He also explained about the different personality types and how they express their homosexuality differently. Extroverts tend to express their gay tendencies outwardly in a more stereo typical gay manner whereas introverts keep it inside and often live a more straight life style externally. I hope some day that he realizes how much I valued this chat as it cames at a time of tumultuous emotional transitions.
Had another wonderful game of badminton with one of the guys at the center and then I went out with a crowd from the center to see the movie "The Ring", a thriller with a twist. After we all went out to Tim Horton's for treats and to shoot the breeze.
Its been quite a while now since I have last put into words my experiences of coming out. So much has happened; so many experiences have been metabolized by my consciousness. I have learned a great deal about what it means to be gay and what it means to be free, what it means to be truthful and honest. Many of my friends, through this web page, through my speaking to them, through email, have come to know that I am gay. These friends have all been supportive and encouraging. I feel like a great weight has been removed. No longer having to hide my true feelings, I am much happier and closer to my friends. As time goes on and as the situations present themselves, more and more people will come to know this side of me. I just take it as it comes and let nature do the organizing.
Having stripped away the veneer of lies protecting my secret, I have perceived an even deeper, subtler web of lies that I think we all weave during our lives; a web that ensnares us and ultimately causes us to suffer. As I look back over my love life I am reminded of a moth that, attracted to the lamp, bangs relentlessly against the glass barrier becoming more battered with each attempt. Having wearied of my repeated heart breaking experiences, I have pondered the underlying reasons. I have become aware of the elaborate architecture of my prison, skillfully crafted by my own desires. Each of us caries within us a rational model of the world, a model that we use to structure the course of our actions, actions that we hope will bring about the successful fulfillment of our desires. This model, this fantasy world, is an intelectual rationalization of a non rational world. It is built upon a web of illusions or lies that we have come to believe so completely that it IS our reality. "I can't eat that I'm too fat." "My hair is too long, no one will like me." "My friend is ignoring me because he thinks I'm gay." And so on... Look closely at the motives for performing or not performing any significant action. Can you hear the little lies murmuring away in your internal dialog, saying do this, don't do that, be nice to this person, he is important, hold a grudge against another because she hurt you? On and on it goes, lie after lie, bricks in an illusory world that constrains and directs our actions through greed, desire, fear, anger and dispair, into a chain of events that eventually leads to cycles of pleasure and pain. Like peeling off layers of an onion, I have been peeling back the layers of lies that hide the totality, being honest both to myself and others. One layer of illusion is cast off only to reveal another subtler layer underneath. The process is very fulfilling. And what does it reveal? A majestic non rational transcendental world more beautiful than I am able to describe. Oh to be a poet; maybe in another life time.
Can we be truly honest with ourselves? I think we can. In fact I think we must be if we are ever to realize our full potential, to realize a life of freedom, a life unconstrained by lies, prejudices, illusions, a life filled with happiness, a life of compassion (How many of us even really know what the word means). Do I regret the love that I have felt for those rare and special individuals that have touched my heart? No, I know that in the cosmic scheme of things we had and still have a destiny to fulfill. You are all stepping stones along the way; each one leading closer to reality. Now I long to take flight and fly into the effulgent inner light deep within the self, a light that is even now perceptible on the horizon.
And everything emptying into white...
Cat Stevens
I leave you with these thoughts so beautifully stated by others who have inspired these insights in me:
The ego looks for what to criticize. This always involves comparing with the past. But love looks upon the world peacefully and accepts.The ego searches for short-comings and weaknesses.
Love watches for any sign of strength. It sees how far each has come and not how far he has to go. How simple it is to love and exhausting it is to always find faults, for every time we see a fault we think something needs to be done about it. Love knows that nothing is ever needed but more love.
It is what we all do with our hearts that affects others most deeply. It is not the movements of our body or the words within our mind that transmit love.
We love from heart to heart.
--Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
Fools illusions everywhere
Joan and Molly sweep the stairs
Eyes that shining full of inner light
Let it roll into the night
-- George Harrison
and so life goes on...
Another milestone has been achieved today. I have discovered friendship. This might seem like an odd thing to say but let me explain. To me, a friend is someone that you can openly share the secrets of your soul and know that they will lend a sympathetic ear. Clearly the reverse must also be true. While I was good at lending a sympathetic and understanding ear to many of my troubled friends over the years, I was never able to express my true feelings and loneliness to them as long as I was in the closet. The only guys that I came out to were guys that I had deep affection for and consequently they felt quite uncomfortable with my being gay. This created a nasty tangly affair that prevented the development of any close friendships.
That all changed tonight when I went out to a concert with a good friend. I was in somewhat of a dilemma as to what to do after the concert as I had been invited to a party hosted by some of my gay friends. Now my friend is straight but knows I am gay. Knowing I am gay is one thing but actually being open enough to talk about it and associate with my gay friends that is asking a whole lot more. So after the concert I asked "Do you want to go home?" and got the expected answer "No". "How would you like to go to a party?" I said to which the reply was "Sure." Once I had arrived on the scene it was too late to turn back as I was spotted by a crowd out on the porch having a smoke. I dove right in and introduced my friend to all the people I knew at the party and we had a great time. On the way home from the party my friend talked openly about how much fun it had been and how refreshingly interesting my gay and lesbian friends were. I felt uplifted, almost estatic. We casually talked about gay issues and I realized for the first time in my life what it is like to have a real friend.
I also realized that it is not necessary for us to segregate ourselves from one another based on gender, sexual preference, religion or ethnic background. One thing I have noted about the gay community is that they do not exclude straight people from their family of friends. Instead, what I find is that the straight community, being fearful of the gay community, refuses to associate with them. They are afraid of what other people might think of them if they were caught hanging around queers. Afraid that it would compromise their self image. Unfortunately many straight people are so embroiled in their own prejudices that they are unable to embrace the diversity of human relationships and let the friendship flow. Hopefully that will change as world conscious rises.
PS Curiously another soul touched my being tonight...
Much has happened. Just saw a great gay themed movie called Latter Days, an amazing love story with a great sound track. Here are the lyrics from one of the songs in the movie called "Another Beautiful Day":
When you were just a child of eight You were taught you were not to deviate Only one way to heaven but half a million ways to fall Well we can alienate the strange and the odd As long as we're one nation under God He might love me but you're his favourite of all And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free We can hate the Jews and the blacks and the fags As long as we pray and salute the flag And fall on our knees to a Jesus who looks just like you. And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free They blessed your soul and told you to travel Dressed in polyester for a God made of gravel Your a man on a mission I wish you could save yourself And it's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day It's another beautiful day In the land of the free by C. Jay Cox Back